


i'm sure we're taller in another dimension

by ghostyspook



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Girlfriends/No Wives, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, No Smut, Tour Bus, Touring, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, hope y'all like it, it's like a sad fic, like it's sad with a happy ending, no plots head empty, soft, this is just me using internet funnypeople to vent about my own life and feelings, uhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21592306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostyspook/pseuds/ghostyspook
Summary: And like, here’s the problem with Cody, is that he’s just fucking nice, he just loves his friends as much as Noel does, which means that he doesn’t consider this a hassle. Noel knows that he doesn’t consider this a hassle, just looks at it as… loving one of his friends. Because Noel is just one of his friends. Just one. It feels like Noel is always, in everything he does, just one person in a sea of mess. With his parents, in all his past relationships, but he reminds himself in vain that he's not lost in a sea of bullshit when he's with Cody. Cody has always remembered him.
Relationships: Cody Ko & Noel Miller, Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 23
Kudos: 138





	i'm sure we're taller in another dimension

**Author's Note:**

> howdy folks!
> 
> basically speed wrote this in an hour so if you clicked on this hoping to be impressed,,,, idk hope you like to hear about gay insecurity and read run on sentences!
> 
> as always, i would lay down my life for aleena and kelsey and would honestly steal them from noel and cody if i could, so this work is not meant to represent any real life scenarios the boys are put into, it's basically just me being like "what if i.... projected?"
> 
> regardless, hope y'all like it. stan tmg.

. . .

It is impossible for Noel to get used to good things without wanting to have a breakdown, and he knows this. 

He always knew that he had the habit of overthinking and forcing his thoughts into a downward spiral when there was nobody there to force him out of it, he’s aware that it’s not exactly a new aspect of his personality. He’s aware that it’s been there probably since he was born, that it was probably lurking deep in his subconscious, waiting for him to realize that he’s one sad motherfucker once he reached his teens. Most of the time it’s only an issue when he’s alone, when it’s just him in the dark with his computer screen still as bright as it can go, itching to do something and be something and make something, both physically and out of himself. There was the rare occasion when his brain would pull some “oh, you’re alone in this crowded room” bullshit, but it wasn’t like it was an every single day thing it was just… a thing sometimes. Everyone has things sometimes. 

His thing just happens to be that his thoughts are a tangled web of white noise. 

(He makes sure to tell himself that everyone has things sometimes, that’s even when he’s freaking out and feeling alone that he’s not really alone, because everyone is sad sometimes. Everyone has to be so sad they’re going to puke sometimes.)

He remembers how it felt once he was out of high school and just trying to fucking do his best, sometimes, how hopeless and directionless that was, and objectively he knows that it’s better now. He isn’t sitting in front of a cash register at some retail job, or dialling numbers onto a shitty phone at a call centre, or dazed out of his mind on a half Xan working as a bank teller anymore. He has a career and is a comedian, he has a life that technically has purpose, but it still feels fragile. Almost every day it seems like YouTube pulls some bullshit limiting creators, and he’s reminded that, like, this is all he has, it’s just this. It's just going to be this until he dies or loses everything.

(It’s not all there is, he thinks to himself sometimes at night, when his heart is pounding and his chest hurts and he can’t even fucking breathe or he knows he’ll burst into tears, he reminds himself that he has his friends, that he has Cody, who encouraged him when he got laid off and who made a podcast with him so Noel wouldn’t have to sell his, like, liver in order to pay rent. He has Cody.)

Noel knows he used to just be able to get high, before, and his anxiety would vanish. He would mellow out and it wouldn’t feel as bad as before, like there was distance between him and the knowledge that he would always feel like a failure. But then his anxiety got worse and worse when he wasn’t high, and it was like the distance wasn’t as far anymore, like his emotions were standing in his field of vision and just reminding him that they were there. 

He knows that Cody understands; that Cody used to need to drink to feel alive, that maybe leaving his family and his home for university, and then leaving university to party in California and be an influencer, had made Cody like liquor too much. Sometimes he has to remind himself that where Cody’s from, people in high school can drink, and give drinks to younger people, that it’s not that weird that Cody just likes alcohol. It's still weird, though, reading stories about kids that confirm they're like fourteen drinking alcohol and knowing that that's just the way Cody was raised, that he's been drinking way longer than Noel and that's just like, how it is. He sometimes can't wrap his mind around it, but he still nods like he understands when Cody talks about how even his parents expect him to always be drinking when they go on vacation, and Noel has to wrap his mind around the fact that Cody's parents don't mean that in a bad way. 

(He still breathes a sigh of relief when Cody stops drinking as much, feels comfortable about making a joke at the early show in Calgary, about pointing out that being able to drink at 18 legally is some wack shit. The crowd laughs, Cody laughs, but there are some faces that look nervous about it. It leaves a weird feeling in his chest, reminds him sometimes that he’s not alone, that he’s not made of… weakness. It’s whatever.)

If Noel thinks too long about how much Cody means to him in the middle of the night, he starts wanting to call him and tell him, just to get it off his chest. Just to tell Cody that he saved him, that he gave him something that he so desperately needed. But, something that a lot of people don’t realize about Cody is that he hates phone calls, he gets bored and antsy and distracted and doesn’t want to talk to someone that he can’t physically see and engage with. He’s cute like that, wants to not have his space intruded on by an empty voice. Noel gets it, really, so he usually tries not to call Cody, even when he’s thinking about their careers and struggling to grasp that he doesn’t have to be scared of everything going wrong and losing everything. He doesn’t call Cody until Cody calls him one night.

(Like Cody knows he’s struggling, knows he’s stupid and pathetic and so, so, so fucking weak, so weak.)

It had jolted him a little out of his stupor, just fucking laying on the couch like an idiot, staring at nothing and not paying attention to the white noise of his tv while he zoned out. Just trying to get his mind off of everything and onto everything at the same time, and then suddenly his phone vibrating on the table, making that hollow metal buzzing sound that’s just so goddamn annoying. 

He steadies his breathing and clenches his hand on his jeans before answering. 

“What’s up, dude?”

“Hey dude sorry to like wake you up-”

“I wasn’t asleep.” Noel interrupts before he realizes that it just makes him look unhealthy and awful and like he isn’t sleeping enough, shit. 

“Oh, okay,” Cody sounds surprised, uncertain, “you okay dude?”

Noel feels floaty suddenly, in an uncomfortable way. He shouldn’t bother Cody with his stupid nerves, his unbased fear that his career and life are moments away from fucking crumbling around him. It’s stupid, it’s absurd, Cody doesn’t need to hear about it, it’s a waste of his time, it’s-

“-el? Dude you good? Seriously, I'm starting to be worried.” Cody’s worried, great, now Noel is going to be a burden to him, is going to ruin his fucking night, is going to make Cody feel like he has to reschedule and plan around his fucking bullshit-

“What? Nah man I’m good.” Noel, you genius, a perfect response!

(Noel is intimately aware that Cody knows him, knows what he likes to eat and what he likes to wear, what products he uses for his hair, knows everything about Noel, because Noel has told him everything about himself, freely, of his own will, because he…. well. Because reasons. And that means that Cody knows his response is bullshit.)

“Well, if you’re good then I’m coming over, I mean I was calling to ask if you were busy anyway, I have some ideas about some Patreon things and I’m kinda bored at home anyway, you know?” Cody is rambling at this point, and Noel is tired. 

“Uh I mean, yeah I guess I’m kinda, uh, kinda just zoned out right now so if you’re okay with that-”

“Oh yeah, absolutely,” Cody cuts him off before he can finish, like it wasn’t even a question that had to be asked, and it makes Noel’s stomach flip just a little bit, “I’ll pick up some like coffee or something if you want, maybe some food since you definitely haven’t eaten yet.”

Cody’s right but he doesn’t have to say it, and Noel tells him as much, and Cody laughs and asks him about the food he wants, and says he’ll be over as soon as he grabs it. 

(And like, here’s the problem with Cody, is that he’s just fucking nice, he just loves his friends as much as Noel does, which means that he doesn’t consider this a hassle. Noel knows that he doesn’t consider this a hassle, just looks at it as… loving one of his friends. Because Noel is just one of his friends. Just one. It feels like Noel is always, in everything he does, just one person in a sea of mess. With his parents, in all his past relationships, but he reminds himself in vain that he's not lost in a sea of bullshit when he's with Cody. Cody has always remembered him.)

When Cody gets there he doesn’t bring up anything about the “Patreon things” he told Noel he wanted to talk about, and both of them are wise enough not to mention the suspicious lack of the supposed reason he had wanted to come over in the first place. They eat their food, and he laughs even though his stomach flips when Cody suggestively licks burrito sauce off of his own wrist as a joke, and they watch some shitty B movie until Noel feels better. 

He really doesn’t know how Cody knows when he feels better, but he does. Maybe it’s nice.

. . .

Noel has been in relationships before, obviously. It would be ridiculous if, at this point, he hadn’t been in any. He’s aware of that. He’s been in long relationships, relationships that left him so burnt out at the end that he couldn’t even cry when she left, and he’d been in short ones that barely leave a blip on the radar on his life. He thinks that’s probably normal, he knows that’s probably normal. 

(He thinks about everyone in his life that is settled down and has kids, and a house, and are so far ahead of him, they’re so far ahead, they’re all so fucking far ahead, and he’s falling behind, he’s behind, in everything he does he’s behind-)

“Nah dude it’s totally normal,” Cody doesn’t even look up from his computer to answer Noel’s question really, just flicks his eyes up for a moment then back to the video he’s editing, “I mean like, we’re millennials or whatever, a lot of people aren’t going to have kids until their mid thirties anyway.”

Noel blinks, takes time to digest that. They’re both leaning against opposite arms of the couch they’re on, because duh, bad backs, just trying to get some fucking work done for once, just making conversation honestly, and he’s kind of surprised that Cody has answered his fake calm question so easily. He wants to say that both of their mid thirties aren’t very far away, wants to believe that Cody is lying to him. But he knows Cody doesn’t lie, okay well he does, but he doesn’t lie to Noel. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Cody laughs and finally looks up at him, and Noel feels his breath catch embarrassingly in his throat when they meet each other’s eyes, but he covers it up with a laugh to match Cody’s.

“I mean we’re supposed to be the longest living generation so far so like, really we have tons of time.”

Cody says that just looking at him, a little smile on his face, making such gentle eye contact- it catches Noel off guard, makes him feel just a little raw and vulnerable for reasons he can’t place. Cody really does have such nice eyes, really shiny and very expressive, he understands how Cody makes a living off of people just staring at his face. i mean damn, if this is the reason their fans like them, then hey, Noel gets it. 

Regardless, Noel has probably been staring at his face and just being thankful for too long, and he should probably say some shit instead of just laughing and thinking about how gorgeous Cody is.

“I mean like, tell that to my parents dude.”

Cody doesn’t laugh at that though, he sort of frowns and closes the laptop lid a little bit, like he’s thinking hard about what to say next. That's never been good, in Noel's experience, because it usually means people are about to try to tiptoe around the fact that Noel grew up a little too fast and his parents don't care.

“Have they been like… giving you shit about it?” Cody says it carefully, like he’s worried of offending Noel.

The thing is, like, he had friends that cared about his childhood and how his parents were a little fucked up for a lot of it, but it’s still just barely a surprise when his friends actually care about the strained relationship he sometimes has. 

(He can’t tell Cody that though, because Cody will get that look in his eyes that he always does when Noel talks about times in the past he’s struggled, like Cody wishes he could go back in time and force that version of himself to go and find Noel sooner, like he wants to go to Young Cody, the one that still lived in Calgary and tell him to get to the US as soon as he can, because Noel is down there, waiting for him. It’s wishful thinking.)

“I mean like, sort of,” he tries to stay nonchalant, cool as a cucumber, baby, “my mom has kind of been wondering when I’m gonna like… find a long-term person and settle down and start having grandkids.”

“I mean me too I guess, I just tell her that TMG is basically my kid honestly.”

“Yo what the fuck does that make me?” Noel says, just barely giggling, reaching out to half-heartedly give Cody’s leg a kick while looking down at his own laptop. 

Cody catches it smoothly, holding Noel’s socked ankle in his hand and digging his thumb into it so Noel will look up at him again, before grinning at Noel, all bright teeth and happy eyes. 

“Well I guess that makes you my long-term person then, doesn’t it?”

Once again, Noel’s breath catches in his throat, and he’s not sure he’ll be able to come up with a response. 

(His long-term person has always been Cody, ever since they started actually working together.)

Cody doesn’t seem to mind, like he knows Noel’s mind is fucking blank, but he leaves Noel’s ankle where it rests, just barely on his thigh, like they were playing footsies on the couch and Noel was going for a torso kick, before getting back to the work on his laptop. Noel is aware that he’s fighting back a blush, that if Cody looks up, he'll be able to see how soft he is, so he decides to just not say anything back, to just get back to his work, too. 

Cody’s long-term person though, okay. 

Okay. 

. . .

Noel is starting to think Cody has it out for him, and he has the facts to fucking prove it. 

Cody’s just so touchy now, like he’ll die if he can’t sit on the couch to eat and also rest his feet on Noel, or lean into him while they watch a movie, or share a blanket because he’s cold but doesn’t want his own blanket because it’s just too far away for him to grab. None of this is objectively abnormal; Cody is a physically affectionate guy who loves all of his friends and is used to expressing that by giving big bear hugs and honestly just hanging off his friends in general. So yeah, physical touch is normal, but this is just… a different type, Noel knows it. He thinks that maybe it’s the casualness of his actions, like he knows that Noel won’t mind any of this, like he knows Noel is just fine with these touches, or like he suspects that Noel likes him. 

That’s a scary thought, that Cody is fine with his best friend and fucking… business partner liking him, honestly. 

(But the scarier thought is that actually Cody doesn’t like him, just feels sorry for him. Worse even, is doing it as a joke, has told all their friends how pathetic Noel is, getting feelings for the only fucking person in his life that cares about him enough to ask how he is, and sit up with him at night on the tour bus when they can’t sleep, and sit there for every panic attack and every gasp of fear at night-)

But no, Cody wouldn’t do that, Cody is too good to do that to anybody. 

There lies the problem though in all honesty; it’s all contained within the fact that in every aspect, in every possible plane of existence, Noel just can’t be good enough for Cody. 

Cody, whose parents love Noel, and always ask about him, who Cody brags about him to them, talking about Noel’s “amazing” directing and “flawless” producing and his “hilarious” sketches, that’s too nice. Deep down, he feels that it’s nicer than he deserves. He doesn’t deserve Cody hyping him up in everything he does; Noel is intimately aware of the fact that he’s a straight up mess, that he can be negative and that he’s not thoughtful, that Cody is just miles out of his league. 

(Cody, who can process emotions properly and can sit down and have real conversations without feeling the itching sensation that he has to turn them into a fight, has to win at having emotions, has to not be the fucking scapegoat for once.)

But Cody still curls up with him on the tour bus, and falls asleep with his head on Noel shoulder, and always picks a place to go for supper that he knows Noel will like, and he even lets Noel have the first shower at venues. Either way, it’s something that’s a big deal to Cody, and Noel knows that. 

(He just wonders why he, Noel Miller, is a big deal to Cody, is something that Cody feels the need to keep around. People like Noel Miller, he thinks, are a dime a fucking dozen.)

. . . 

By the time Noel has fully admitted to himself that he both loves and likes Cody, he’s also admitted to himself that it would probably be impossible for Cody to not know. And by the time he’s admitted all of that, he’s also admitted that dating Cody would be cruel and unusual punishment for both of them.

But then again, Cody is so gentle with him, listens so closely, enjoys listening to Noel talk about his stupid bullshit that nobody else in his life can even muster up the energy to pretend to care about for more than twenty seconds. Noel doesn’t really believe in soulmates, but he thinks maybe Cody is his… something. Is his person that moved across borders and between states until he met Noel, until he found Noel, until he found a place he can call his home, a place where he can grow his career and be with Noel-

But no, no they can’t fit, he can’t allow it. 

Noel knows that he’s negative and that he sucks and that all he would be is moody, all he would do is be upsetting and stressful and he would make Cody want to tear his hair out. He would infect Cody with his shitty scattered thoughts and anxious babbling and stupid fears, and he would ruin him, he would ruin his boy. 

So, it doesn’t matter what either of them want or don’t want. The bottom line is what both of them deserve, and Cody deserves better. 

Cody deserves better than someone that's a wreck, someone that's nothing, so directionless, can't stay on track, can't hold down a passion, is constantly and consistently fucking up in way that hasn't been endearing, yet, and probably never will be. Cody deserves someone just as gentle as him, just as soft, just as stable, who comes from a nice family, who isn't Noel.

His old therapist used to tell him that he deserved good things too, to always remember what he deserves. 

(Noel determinedly does not think about what he deserves, because he knows it will just launch him down a spiral and leave him standing out on his balcony at night staring at the traffic below and thinking about the drop, and it’s not worth it to dwell on that anymore.)

. . .

Tour wrap parties are honestly the shit, it’s all the tour guys having fun and congratulatory tweets from all of their editors and people they’ve commissioned for art, and Cody’s parents posting little congratulatory posts on Instagram, saying how proud they are of Cody and of Tiny Meat Gang, posting pictures that their photographer took. 

(Noel’s parents sometimes text him. He should be thankful for that.)

Either way, it’s an excuse to be around Cody and pop some champagne and ignore the way Cody looks at him with his too shiny, too bright eyes, even though it makes his stomach churn uncomfortably and makes his ears burn. He still hugs Cody when they pop the champagne, still buries his face into his neck and just soaks in the cheers and the camera flashes, and thinks about getting to go home. 

It ends as every adventure on tour ends, with the guys going out for drinks at the end, and him and Cody going to shoot the shit on the tour bus, except this time tipsy Cody is curled up on Noel, and he’s so warm, so comforting, so physically there; it makes Noel want to cry. Makes him want to tell Cody how much he loves him, how much needs him every day, how important he is- so fuck it, fuck it he’s telling his boy how much he means. 

“I’m really happy I met you.”

Cody tilts his head further onto Noel’s shoulder almost onto his chest, a gentle smile on his face, looking so blissful and happy it makes Noel’s heart flutter, fuck.

“Yeah?” God, Cody looks so beautiful, so pretty, so soft.

“Yeah,” Noel says softly, bringing his arms up to wrap around Cody, “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Cody, I don’t even think I’d be here without you, dude.”

Cody tilts his head up, a weird look on his face, like the face he always made when he was thinking hard about something. Before Noel can ask what he wants to say, Cody is twisting around a little bit, and pressing a soft kiss against Noel’s lips. 

Honestly, it’s just a solid press and then nothing else. There have been more passionate kisses in Noel’s life, but this is the only one that feels real right now, the only one that feels like even a single moment in his reality. He shuts his eyes for a second, overwhelmed, before opening them again to look at Cody, only to see Cody already looking back.

Noel leans forwards to press another kiss to Cody’s lips and he feels Cody smile against them, and when they pull apart Cody just leans his head on Noel’s chest, smiling so hard his eyes have gone squinty and his cheeks have gone red. It’s a good feeling, and for a while Noel forgets just why he couldn’t be with Cody, forgets every misgiving and every insecurity, and just closes his eyes and breathes, and holds his boy close. 

. . . 

He remembers why he couldn’t be with Cody, every misgiving and insecurity, the instant he wakes up alone in the back of the tour bus. He can feel his chest constricting, can feel the walls closing in around him, can already feel the instant press of a mistake against the inside of his throat; making it impossible to breathe. Fuck, fuck how could he be so stupid, how could he do this, and ruin his career, and give in to feelings that could destroy his life; feelings that were going to destroy him, are in the process of destroying him, are going to destroy him. 

Of course Cody didn’t want this, he was just happy that the tour was over, just happy that now he gets to go home and be somewhere that isn’t with Noel twenty four fucking seven. He’s going to see Cody later and Cody will say nothing to him and the static will get worse, and Cody will say they have to talk about something, and Cody will tell him that they can’t do this, that it isn’t worth it. 

God, fuck, Cody will tell him he isn’t fucking worth it and he’ll be right, the motherfucker will be right and Noel will be alone, he’ll be alone, he’ll lose everything-

And the Cody pulls the tour bus door open, holding a bag of food from some within walking distance fast food place, with two drinks stacked on his one hand, and grins at him, and he looks so soft and good in the morning light.

He rambles while he kicks his shoes off, wobbling slightly while trying not to fall over while holding their food, telling Noel a story about how the lady in line like, totally lost her shit at the poor thirteen year old working so Cody tipped him five dollars, but like, sneakily, because he wasn’t sure if fast food workers could accept tips. 

Okay, then. Okay. Maybe this isn’t so bad. 

. . .

Cody tells him all the time that he’s pretty, now and Noel is slowly getting used to it. He soon learned that Cody lovesto curl up into his neck, just under Noel’s chin because it makes him feel “comfy cozy”, that he loves to wrap his arms around Noel’s shoulders and just lean into it, because it makes him feel “like, just secure, you know?”. He loves to stroke his thumb across Noel’s face, along his jawline and up his cheek bones when they kiss, because he “just likes touching you, Noel, because you’re cute and I like you”, and Noel was falling in love with all of it. He was falling in love with all of Cody, with everything he did. Whenever they fell asleep together Cody will rest his head on Noel’s chest, and even though he always wakes up before Noel almost without fail, he still moves so carefully out of bed, never waking Noel up before he absolutely has to. 

Both he and Cody are just fucking awful cooks but they somehow make it work, just like with everything else they do together, it comes out alright. Cody’s awful with the stove but great with the oven, Noel’s terrible at following a recipe but great at following what Cody says, and it works out. 

Cody has awful design sense, so Noel picks out the blanket for the couch so that it matches, and then they promptly use Cody’s old comforter instead except for when company is over, because they want to seem like they care that their blanket matches the colour scheme of the living room. 

They have their desks set up across from each other, in positions where they can see each other work, but they can also focus on their work, sometimes. Cody is right across from him when he streams, and he makes faces at Noel sometimes or asks about what he’s watching when Noel makes faces. 

Noel secretly thinks that it’s all very them. 

He told Cody, once, how scared he had been of losing him, and Cody frowns the same way he always does when Noel talks down about himself, and tells Noel that he has always loved him, will always love him, can’t do anything but love him. He rubs over Noel’s neck and down his shoulders and holds him until he can breathe again, without question, without complaint. Cody listens to all of his whiny shit and reminds him to do his back and neck stretches, reminds him to go to bed on time, reminds him that things are okay and that their careers are stable, that even if things go wrong, they will always have each other. 

Noel thinks maybe he can get used to that.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't plug social media but follow noel and cody's editors and show them support i guess!


End file.
